Ashton is 2!

Tomorrow is Ashton's 2nd birthday! I can't believe it! I can't help but reflect on what a difference these past 2 years have made on my life. I thought I knew who I was and what was important. I thought I knew what our family was going to look like. Nothing like an unexpected turn to throw all that out the window!
I think about what has taken place since her first birthday and all that I have learned. One year ago I had no idea what Turner syndrome was. I didn't know terms like sensory processing disorder, TEFRA, Early Intervention, or kareotype. I had no idea what a nightmare dealing with insurance companies could be. It seems in one year's time I have been fully immersed in the life of a special needs mom. There was no putting one toe in and testing the waters. I was literally pushed into the deep end and had to sink or swim. We are swimming. Sometimes it's a doggy paddle, but we keep moving forward.
I keep thinking it will get easier, but then some new information, new diagnosis, or new problem comes up and that raw pain comes right back. I wonder if that will ever end. I suspect not. Maybe I will just get used to it and it won't feel quite so unexpectedly sharp.
Although so much has gone wrong this year, more has gone right! Here are some of the things Ashton has accomplished since her first birthday... sitting up by herself, crawling, walking, running, dances, now kisses and hugs us on her own, talks non stop, can go up and down the stairs, eats more normal foods, no more baby food, uses sippy cups instead of bottles, sings. There are many many more!! Every one of these are worthy of a celebration, because she worked very hard to achieve each of them. I am so proud of my sweet girl! I love her so much. Love her spirit. There is a lot about her that isn't typical and her spirit is definitely abnormal! She exudes joy like no one I have ever seen. She has a smile and a giggle that melts my heart constantly. I know she is special, I am blessed, and I can't wait for this year's adventures!

Better Than Winning the Lottery

I have been a witness to lots of miracles recently. Not everybody can say that. How lucky am I? Others may not wish to be in my shoes, but I LOVE my shoes (especially my fast new Brooks Adrenalines)!

I admit that I haven't always been mindful of these miracles. I'm embarrassed to say I've prayed more than once for God to fix Ashton's DNA. Just miraculously put it back together. I've prayed this prayer on my knees, tears streaming down my face, with all of my heart, begging and pleading. I consider these moments of weakness, because during my strong moments I realize that I have been given a real life miracle. Ashton is a true miracle. Not many people get to be mom to a true miracle from God. I know this because Turner Syndrome babies only have a 2% chance of being born alive and Ashton's variation of TS is even less than that. Wow! I have never won the lottery or even a silly raffle, but I won the best gift of all! My miracle baby!

If our genes make us who we are, would I want her to be different and "fixed"? No way! She is awesome! I get to be mom to these three kiddos that God specifically chose me for! All three of them are so unique and special. We are way more than our genetics. Ashton is more than some messed up genes. Her soul is whole and beautiful and she has a purpose. My faith is thru the roof. God may not answer my prayers to fix her DNA, but I know with all of my heart that there is reason behind that. Reason that is greater than my comprehension and I am grateful and at peace. Big things are in store for this tiny little spitfire!

Why do I run?

Today, at about mile 13 into my 22 mile run, I started asking myself, "why do I do this?" I was running at a pretty fast pace for me, my fingertips and toes were freezing cold, my water bottles just broke from freezing and cracking, and my pack had just pulled away from me. Why do I continue to torture myself like this? I know I love it, but why? I started thinking back on my running journey. In the early days I wanted to loose weight after Caleb and Kinley. Then I started enjoying the social aspect of running. I made new friends and became closer with friends I already had as we got to know each other on the trail. I had no ambition to run a marathon. When it was suggested, I laughed and said, "good luck with that!" What changed? I am now on my 3rd marathon in a year. It all changed when I realized I'm going to have to be strong. Stronger than I ever thought I was. I need to be a strong wife and mother in the face of something hard. I have to convince myself I can do this and show my family they can do it too. We can be a strong family with special needs. We can not be embaressed by differences. We are confident in how God made us and we love and support one another just the way we are. In order to be that kind of family I have to lead by example. I have to be confident in my own strength. Running has taught me that I can keep going even when it hurts. I am strong enough to face really really tall hills and make it to the other side. I can still smile and give a thumbs up at mile 18 in 80 degrees when my body wants to give up. I don't give up! This is the kind of mom my kids need! Running has shown me that I AM that kind of mom! Life can be hard, but it's never TOO hard. The Lord is with us every step of the way and He did give me these running legs, which look pretty darn good these days, by the way!

Our miracle

Here goes my attempt to document our story... "Wow, she's busy!" -or- "She's tiny for her age!" -or- "How'd she get that knot on her head?" These seemingly innocent comments remind me daily that my almost 2 year old daughter, Ashton, is different. Not that I need reminders... The constant doctors appointments and daily therapies do that just fine. Not to mention, the behavior - hair pulling, head banging, tantrums, sleepless nights, inability to be still...ever. Our life has changed. We are still getting used to the new normal. Sometimes I cry. Mostly though, I laugh. She is so funny! She crinkles her nose and says, "no" (for nose). It is so cute! In the quietest of moments or places she screams out, "baaaaaa!" at the top of her lungs and laughs. People look at us, but we don't mind. It's pretty funny! She constantly does things to impress and surprise us! She has come so far! She loves her big brother and sister! Lance and I are different parents because of her. Caleb and Kinley are different too. They take a lot from her and define unconditional love. I've seen kinley get hit in the face and her hair pulled out, without getting angry or retaliating. She knows Ashton doesn't mean to hurt her. How many 3 year olds can be that intuitive? She is wise beyond her years and Ashton's best friend and best therapist. Caleb could give you the definition of Turner Syndrome an tell you what DNA is and how many chromosomes Ashton has. He's 7. We are a different kind of house. We are learning to see the big picture. We believe in God and in miracles in our house. We are happy! Really happy!